The truth

by RihanNa (bukan Nama Sebenar)

Honestly, I hate going public about this.
But I think I have to.

Here goes.

Everyone knows I got engaged last year on my birthday. But not everyone know who the guy was. Because I didnt upload our photo together. He was my senior in high school.

Well, couple of friends might have bumped into us in the past. But I didnt know the news spreaded fast after that. Lol.

I did informed some of my friends. Some. Lol

I didn't want people to know yet at that time as I myself was not so sure about it.

The next day after I got engaged I have to fly to Sibu and later that day travel to Kapit. We were going to have an education fair on the 3rd Mar due to SPM result release day.

So on that day,  I met this one guy. A very quite and very mistery guy. Caught me on my first sight at him. Surely because of his goatie and moustache. In my heart. Just my type. But I didnt act further tho coz I was engaged remember? But,  Allah plan is great.

I was looking for someone who will ride bus to Bintulu that time coz I was not sure how to go to terminal the next day. This new guy was accidentally going the same route as I am. So we went in one taxi to bus terminal and in the same bus to Bintulu.

When we reached Bintulu,  we departed and just say goodbye to each other. We didn't even chat in the bus. I just took one selfie with him not looking at the camera. He didn't know i took his photo. Need to send the photo to my friends. Lol.

And then after going back to normal life,  I remember I was engaged again. Lol. Come back to normal life, I remember I asked my fiancĂ©  have he istikharah,  he said not yet. But he was sure and think I was compatible and understand his business minded thinking so much. So that is why he decided to tie the knot.

I was sure about us too and I was too lazy to think about it too much.  To me if not now when?

One day a foreign student I know in campus bumped into me and congratulate me on my engagement. Then he asked me,  did you istikharah? i said i didn't. He asked why? I answered coz I was sure. You need to he added. And I was like. Ok. He actually asked me few times. I still didnt do it. He said I have to,  do it many times. I still didnt .

And few days after that,  I have a meet up with my fellow schoolmates. They were asking all about when I will get married and stuff and suddenly one of them told me,  don't get married to our highschool people. you always end up with the same school people he added.

I was like. Wow. Ok

My life was pretty busy with this one Educational roadshow. Spent more time knowing this new guy because he is also joining it. He managed to get my number through whatsap group that we have for the educational roadshow. He didnt even dare to ask me myself. ☺

Our exhibitors friends also said me and the new guy looks meant for each other. And one of them tell me it is not too late to change decision. And I was like I caaaaaannnttttttt. I can't be that cruel right? Or I thought so.

After the roadshow,  when we are about to end the event in the final location, the big boss of this educational roadshow gave me a good advice on marriage. Coz I need it. I asked him,  how do you know she is the one?
His answer was simple, always be honest,  understand each other, respect each other, do not try to change one another and few more I cant remember.

At that point of time,  it got me thinking. Have me and my fiance been honest, understanding, respect and not trying to change each other? Oh may be he did but not me.

I thought to myself,  maybe I accepted him because I have no choice or not be given a choice to choose from. But when this new guy came,  it makes me questioned. Honestly I didnt fall for him the first time. Even during the roadshow eventhough ee spend time together is not me and him alone. We actually were together with other exhibitors as well. Dont get me wrong.

I was sure that what am feeling was wrong.

So I asked my fiance again have he istikharah or not. This time he said yes. Then I ask how many times?  He said one time only. And then he asked why,  and I answered nothing.

So I actually didn't  decided that fast. I keep on thinking,  if this is meant to be,  why is it hard for us to save money for marriage. Everytime we did we will have to use it for certain things like me getting into accident.

Honestly my fiance was nice. He is the nicest guy that everyone would love. he didnt even scold me if I come back late. He didnt even scold me when I told him when I was smoking. He said everyone got their good and bad. And he accept me for who I am. He even bought cigarette for me. But it get me thinking again. This is not what I needed but maybe what I want. Someone who will not scold me or tell me to do things or be this be like that. in my heart I know I need some one who will scold me for whatever reason. Scold me tell me that this is wrong and you cannot or should not to this, and give reasons like because I said so.

And that is what the new guy did to me. Although he was not really into me yet because he also know I was engaged. But he gave hint like 'I dont like my girl to smoke cigarette.' ☺

And these things keep on popping in my head till one day I decided. You know what, I should just stop this relationship and see how far the new one will take me. I was just one month engaged to this guy and so random I told him I cant continue this anymore. In my head it is better now than later. Because the longer this goes the harder it will get. Worst if we were married. I dont want to be in the situation where we will have to divorce you know. It was a hard decision. It really was.

My friends questioned what I did. I just couldn't know how to answer them. Even my boss asked why? Is it because he said I can't resign and moved to kuching after that? I said no lah. Honestly a lot of people ask whether am going to relocate to kuching or what.

Yes he was from Kuching and it is one of the reasons as well. He is from a good standing family. They have good house big one too. I am sure I am going to have a good life with him. And he also live with his mom. The last child. You know how la.

I know am going to be happy with my life with him but not loving him wholeheartedly. When we argue I always win. He will let me win. Never to scold me no matter what. I know most girls will love this. But not me. I need people to scold me.  Because am stubborn. I been living hard life and being independent all this while makes me even rock hard.

He couldn't  do it. Well he did tried. After being advised by my bff. He called me after we broke off. He shouted on the phone ask me to get up on Sunday morning and tell me I should wake up early and do things. I stunned and shocked at the same time. He never do that that was the first time. I wasn't happy and I was pissed by the idea of him trying to be someone else. He then said sorry.

He wasnt him on that day. And it makes me think again. Things he did for love. Actually he tried to talk about this with me. He even flew all the way to Sabah that time because I flew there as well for school event. I met him at airport with famous amos cookies in a train. Told me he wanted to buy flower but he  know I was not that type.

To give guys out there a tips or so,  whenever your girls say she dont like such as flowers or love to buy on their own they all just bullshit. Girls always love free stuff. Who doesn't?

But the gift didnt change me. He even read a script he typed on his phone which I have to stop him from reading it because we need to go to hotel to check in. He asked whether he can ride together in the taxi. And I said ok.

In the taxi he held my hands. I looked at him and asked why is he doing this. He said he is trying his best to get me back. I said no point. I have made my decision.

Oh I tell you it doesn't stop there. I really appreciate what ever he did to me and whatever we have achieved but I just didn't feel the chemistry. Am I a bad women? Yes. I know I am. But I didn't regret what I did. I understand him better as a friend. God knows he is just not right for me. Maybe for someone out there. I knew we both have made mistake by tying the knot too soon.

And yes. That is the truth. The man I married with is the new guy in this post. Still very quite around people I know sometimes even with people he knows. His friends and family members.

And those people who knows me, they all will tell we are like total opposite of each other. Totally. Am glad I made that decision that day. I pray Allah will replace him (my ex fiance) a better women that understand him and give him happiness. Amiinn..

The end.

P/S: I needed to let things out. Now that I have I feel relieved so people know why didnt end up with FA.


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